Norris & Ilene: voicemail

(Norris calls her mother, Ilene and leaves her a voicemail)


Answering service: beeeeeeep

Norris:  Mom, its me.  Just wanted to check in with you and see how you were feeling after your doctors appointment.  Call me back whenever you get a chance.  Love you.

(later that same afternoon, Ilene returns the call with a voicemail)

Answering service: beeeeeeep

Ilene: Norris, thanks for your concern.  I am feeling fine.  Dr. Gerber says I can't wait for my next treatment since the pain has not gotten any worse. 

If you get the paper this Sunday please make sure to save the coupon section for me this week.  You forgot last week and I had to pay full price at Price Chopper this week.  Ellie Sue said there was good one in there for a whole $1 off of Charmin bath tissue.  And Charmin was on sale this week for $5.49.  That means I could have saved $2.75 on double coupon Wednesday!  I would have only paid $3.49 for toilet paper.  Paper that I wipe my behind with and flush done the toilet.  That's literally money down the toilet, Norris!

Speaking of toilets, Thelma said that her's won't stop running.  All times of the day and night it just runs and runs.  Maybe you could get that good for nothing husband of yours to  

Answering service: BEEEEEEEEEEP  Your message has been saved. To listen (Ilene: What?  Hello?  Norris, what is going on?!) your message or re-record press 1 now.  If you are (Ilene: NORRIS!) satisfied with your message hang up now.

(Ilene hangs up the phone and calls again)


Answering Service:  You have reached Norris' voicemail.  Please leave a message after the tone and I will return your call as soon as possible.  Ciao


Ilene:  Norris, what just happened?  Anyhow, as as was saying......ummmmm...well I've forgotten now, but something it wrong with your answering service.  You should probably have it looked at or serviced.  Whatever it is they do with those cellular things these days.  Maybe it needs a charge or something, you know whenever it hangs up on me?  You always say it needs a charge.  You know you really should keep up with your bills, Norris.  These days good credit is hard to come by and you don't want to go ruining it just because you didn't recharge your cellular ...eh...phone.  Are you having money troubles?  You know your father was would roll over in his grave if he knew you were being irresponsible with you finances.


Answering service: Beeep Your message has been saved....

Living in mama's shadow

      

All over the country there are unwed mothers and none of them are in the spotlight quite like Britol Palin is.  Living is Sarah Palin's shadow must be a fairly cold place to be.  Dancing with the Stars gives Bristol the opportunity to outshine her mama. In an article posted on RobotCeleb.com, before Bristol even takes the dance floor, she is already being scrutinized.  They ask, "Will Sarah Palin upstage her daughter during the Dancing With The Stars premiere", as though Bristol stands no chance. 

Beeeeep "Its your mother...."

Dear Mom, your voicemails are unbearably long and unnecessary.  I'm your daughter, and I always will be.  I plan on calling you back at some point, and you can talk all you want when I return your call.  But this long voice mail crap has to stop.  Its non-sense!  Daughter around the world share this burden with me, and we all agonize at the site of the tiny blinking envelope on the top of the cell phone screen after mom calls.

Let it go...

Deborah Tannen has a book out called, You're Wearing That, NPR posted an excerpt where she calls what happens between moms and daughters "small sparks, big flare ups".  Its the perfect description for what goes down on a regular basis between mother and daughter.  Some tiny, seemingly irrelevant even takes place, and its usually not resolved, and it carries the nuclear-sized repercussions for years to come. It starts in adolescence and continues throughout their adult lives. 

Just for today, stop, and ask yourself;  Is it worth carrying on your shoulders for the rest of your lives? If it happened with anyone else would it have the same impact? 

Give your daughter a break, let her off the hook for one thing that happened years ago.  Let it go. 

Give your mom a break, forgive her for whatever it was that she said or did that you thought was a big deal years ago. Let it go.




Just one little thing....just one tiny step towards a better relationship.

Norris &Ilene get their hair done....

(Ilene sits in a chair next to her daughter, Norris at the hair salon while they both wait on their hair dresser to get started)

Norris:  What do you think you want to get done to your hair this time?  The color you have now is a little to red for your skin tone.

Ilene:  I like it this color.  So do the girls at church.  Thelma even said it made me look sophisticated.  What about your hair?  Don't you think its time you did something to get rid of that gray?  Or maybe got a more adult like cut.  Long hair is for young girls, you're a mother now.  Its time you look like one.

Norris: Mom, I'm in my thirties.  While I'm not teenager, I'm also not about to retire my hair.  I may get a rinse to wash out some of the gray.  But I don't think its sensible to color it all out, after all it is natural.  Aging is natural.

You know, Thelma's hair looks like someone set it on fire.  Are you going for that look?  I'm just not so sure you want to take hair advice from her.

Ilene:  Norris, you ought to respect your elders!  Howver, you do't respect me, so I can't see how you would anyone else, when you can't have respect for your own mother!


Norris:  Mom, how can you say that?







From hair color to what their eating, there never seems to be an agreement..  Its seems they only thing they can agree on is that they never agree.

Mama made her eat it...

The Los Angeles Times posted an article, back in 2000, spilling the beans on how mama influences her daughters eating habits as an adult, in turn also effecting her daughters outlook on body image.  Giving daughters one more thing to blame on mom.  From eating disorders to health conditions, mom gets faulted for it all.

  In an article on momlogic.com the American Dietetic Association states that "when a mother is dissatisfied with her body, daughters will learn to base their self-worth on their appearance. 

 

In fact, a study published by the Association showed that girls as young as five are likely to try dieting simply because Mom has."  Poor mom, she did the best she could but, somehow you were listening the whole time when she was complaining about her waistline, and you just couldn't miss the sideline showing of how a mother pretends to eat the contents of her dinner.  

Today you look in the mirror and you can hardly see yourself through mommy's frumpy old silhouette.  You loath yourself.  You cry yourself to sleep some nights wishing you had another woman's body as your own.  Failed diet attempts lead you back to the infliction your mommy caused once again.

YOU have to start taking responsibility for YOU!  Okay so mom played a role in what you think you look  like, and what you think you should eat.  But now you're you, not just mommy's little girl!  You brush your own teeth, drive your own car, and you darn sure make your own decisions.  You have the power to break your own cycle.  If an old dog can learn new tricks, so can you little girl!  Now get to it, and give mom a break ladies!

The Judds have some answers!

Thank goodness for DVR's, otherwise I would have missed the Oprah episode that aired on Tuesday with country music superstars, Wynnona Judd and her mother and singing partner, Naomi Judd!  The duo was on Oprah to promote their upcoming final tour together, beginning November 26th.  After years of touring together and being cramped on a tour bus together, they have come to experience MDS in its fullest force!  They shared with the show all of their latest tools, learned in counseling sessions, for tolerating each, or as Wynnona said, "for moving forward" together.  I couldn't help but to memorize each one to share with you all!  Feel free to edit for your own relationships with your mom or daughter:

1. For daughters specifically, since you came later in mom's life, and she's gotten to know you from birth;  get to know mom and who she really is and was before you came.  Find out who she is outside of being your mom.  Because apparently, there is life outside of her responsibility as a mom to you.
2. Being non-resistant.
3. Being invitational instead on confrontational
4. Recognizing that everyone has their own different reality
5. Mirroring, or repeating how you interpret what you heard the other person say.
6. a. Asking permission, "Is this a good time to talk?"  or "Is now a good time for a visit?"
6. b. Or asking permission for physical contact in order to respect each others boundaries, "Can I get a hug?"
7. Saying, "Can I get a do-over?", when you know you reacted in a way you didn't mean to.  (perfect for when you're in a bad mood)
8. Validating by saying, "I can understand why you feel that way." 
9. Saying, "That doesn't work for me", as in, that's for you, and something else is for me, and that's okay.
10.  Being fully present in every moment spent together, and in you lives outside of each other.

When asked what brought them together to tour again, Naomi replied, "Our therapist says its okay to go out in public unsupervised"!  The two of them are hilarious, but I know that it has taken years of hard work for them to get where they are.

Matrophobia?

     An article posted on Psychology Today's a couple of years ago helps to clear up some thoughts on the mother daughter drama that we as women face.  Helene Deutsche, a psychologist in the 40's, "claimed that women observe a daughter's adolescent bloom as a sign of their own decline", and tend to use protectiveness and as a disguise for their envy.  So the irritation begins here.  Envious of opportunities that they never had as mothers, or sexuality thats gone out the window with age; this occurs when a mother and daughter have grown close and experience a relationship as peer rather than as parent and child. 

     An article on Discovery Health's website coins the terms "matrophobia", the fear of growing up like one's own mother.  Even celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, and Meg Ryan have publicized MDS with their mothers. Some helpful tips are available to help us, but the most common one I come across is being objective when dealing with your mother or daughter.  The use of objective thinking and dropping defensiveness attitudes towards each other.  Ive yet to see the power of these techniques in action.  I'll let you know how they work out....

Norris & Ilene meet for lunch...

(Ilene opens the door and finds her 40-something daughter standing there with a slightly agitated look on her face.)


Norris: Mom, did you not hear me knocking?  I've been here a while now.

Ilene:  Well of course I heard you.  I was just gathering my things.

(They embrace each other and dish out fake kisses on the cheek.)

Norris:  Mom, do you think maybe its time to have Dr. Shaffer check your hearing?  I can call and make an appointment for you for this week, and I'll even take you if you like.

(Norris grabs Ilene's hand and helps her walk down the stairs of her condo building)

Ilene: Norris, I am not deaf, and I am perfectly capable of driving on my own.

Norris: Well, it wouldn't hurt just to have a little check up.  I'll make an appointment for you for Thursday afternoon, and I'll pick you up.  We can go have lunch after at that little cafe you love near the doctors office, my treat.

Ilene:  Norris.  Are you having hearing trouble?  I am can hear just fine, drive just fine, walk down the stairs just fine and I'll have you know I can afford my own lunch too!

Norris:  Mom, please don't get so upset with me, I just love you and want the best for you.  I know you can hear, drive, walk down the stairs and have your own money.  I just want to make your life as easy as possible.  A little loving help never hurt anyone.

(As they approached the bottom of the stairs, Norris rush to get the door open for her mother)

Ilene:  I am not your child. I am your mother.  Always have been always will be.  Perhaps you forgot, I gave birth to you, and I still remember it!






Had this conversation taken place between any two people other than a mother and a daughter, it would have gone very differently.  This reversal of roles isn't uncommon, and is borderline necessary, though it seems its repercussions are many.  Mom feels like she is views as incompetent by the one she made competent throughout a lifetime of heartache.  Daughter trys to be the best daughter she can be and tell mom things that no one else has the strength to stand up and tell her.  Both women get hurt or offended in the process and carry their irritation with each other, all the while pretending it never happened.  Agreeing to disagree is merely a temporary band-aid.  Mom's made up her mind, her daughter is out to humiliate her and crippler her freedom.  Daughter's made up her mind, mom hates her and has no appreciation for all that she does for her.  Where does the haze part?  I never does seem to.....

Two Sides to Her Story

When I first realized that something was amidst, that I was not the only daughter experiencing this odd existence with my mother, it became an odd fascination.  I now feel compelled to ask women I hardly know about their own relationships with their mothers.  One website that really confirmed what I was feeling was http://www.motherrr.com/.  They recognize this issue as universal and work to do more than just complain about it.  They offer helpful books, and humor to help deal with the stress of the relationship with your mother.  Though they seem to focus mainly on a daughters viewpoint, directing blame on mom, and finding ways for daughter to deal with it.  I tend to lean towards the fault lying somewhere in the middle.  Mom is just as irritated as we are with them.  You are all her hopes and dreams starring her back in the face with irritation and disgust.  It must be heartbreaking.  Nontheless, http://www.motherrr.com/ is a helpful and entertaining site for all of us mothers and daughters.

I witched, she witched, BEWITCHED

Samantha and her mother, Andora displayed classic MDS symptoms in the 60's classic Bewitched.  Its funny to watch, horrific to experience.  Its classic mother meddling in her daughter's life, trying to make her life just like her own, never happy with her choices of mate.  Elizabeth Montgomery, and Agnes Moorehead probably knew a thing or two about MDS from their own real life relationships with their mothers and daughters.  I can only hope that my relationship with my mother is this entertaining for everyone else.

Sugar & spice, not everything is always so nice....

When I was just a little girl I can recall looking at my mother and thinking not only was she the most beautiful woman in the world, but she was MAGIC!  I thought I was the luckiest kid around.  Mom could hem a skirt in under a minute while she packed my lunch, and filled me full of confidence for the day ahead.  Even the woman's spit could keep up my best dress shoes, and fix the fly-aways in my hair.  She could make a magically unforgettable day out of the worst of days.  Money was an issue, but mom always found a way to make sure I wasn't embarrassed by hand me downs and generics.  She laughed at all my attempts to be funny, even when I was less than entertaining to the rest of the world.

Somewhere between the age of 20 and 30, something changed in a very subtle way.  Suddenly every word out of my mouth made her scream at me, or worse cry.  I wasn't so funny anymore.  My attempts at making light made things worse, and my efforts to take make sense seemed to further agitate her.  Then it was suddenly am imposition to even have a conversation with her.  I found the I could offend her with the tiniest sneeze.  Her voice became a signal that my not so distant future would be miserable, and soon became like nails on a chalk board.

Most women know what I'm talking about.  You love them dearly, they'll always be your "mama", but they have this odd ability to get under your skin like no other.  The feeling is mutual, yet oddly incomprehensible. 


My theory is:  WE KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THE TRUTH!  The truth being, what the real meaning of that flip of the hair, or raise of the eyebrow.  There is no hiding from each other.  That light giggle sounds more like vomit splashing in the toilet bowl when you know that it's translation.  A pat on the back feels like slap in the face and a peck on the cheek nearly knocks you on your ass!

Mothers and daughter alike know the truth about each other, and we can NOT handle the truth.....